Journey to Parenthood · Loss

Baby 3

So I really *really* haven’t wanted to write this post..hence why I haven’t until now. I’ve honestly just been trying to avoid thinking about it and we’re still trying to wrap our minds around the fact that we’re back in this place again.

As most of you know by now from our personal social media, we’ve now lost our 3rd baby and still don’t have answers as to why. It’s frustrating, heartbreaking, and we’re really just at a complete loss.

We thought we were in the clear when we made our announcement. We usually can’t make it to the 9 week mark and we had (or so we thought). At 8 weeks and 3 days our baby was healthy and the heartbeat was beautiful and strong. Little did we know at the time, but just 2 days later our baby was gone.

We had an appointment to go in for a 10 week ultrasound at 10 weeks 2 days and that’s when we found out. I had no idea. My body, much like the first pregnancy, carried on like it was still pregnant. It didn’t register that anything had gone wrong. So the placenta continued to put out hormones as if all was fine. Since I was still nauseous, I thought that that meant things were still good.

We were at the ultrasound and when the doctor was looking at the baby and not saying anything I think we both knew. 

I can’t express how devastated we are. We had the strongest feeling that this one was the one and that this baby would make it. We felt so good about it from the start and we felt that that must be a sign that this was it. I had so many people..family, friends, near strangers..telling me that they just had ‘a feeling’ that this was it for us. That this was our baby and they just had a really good feeling about it. The specialist doctor told us everything was perfect and that baby was doing well each time. With all of that and our own strong feelings about it and the fact that we thought we were out of our trouble week, we let ourselves get so hopeful and so excited and believed that it was truly finally happening. We started making plans and it all started becoming so much more real. 

I can’t tell you how hard this past year has been for us. We both decided that for awhile the best thing for us is to take a break on trying for a baby. It breaks my heart to do this because all I want is to be a mom and to have a successful pregnancy. But for whatever reason, that just doesn’t seem possible right now. We don’t know how long the break will be for. But we just know right now that we’re exhausted. The first trimester of pregnancy is draining and hard and exhausting and a lot to go through, and I’ve now been through it 3 times in the past year. Of the last 12 months I’ve been pregnant for about 8 of them. It’s been a lot physically on my body and a lot mentally as well for the both of us. 

We’re hoping that we can see what the specialist thinks now and what he thinks we should do to figure out the problem. As of the time of the loss and the surgery, he didn’t have a clue what had gone wrong. It’s hard knowing that there aren’t any answers and that there may never be. And it makes it hard to want to put ourselves through it again without knowing what the problem is and how to prevent it from happening over and over again. We go in for our post op appointment next Monday so I’m hoping he has a plan for either more testing or something to move in the right direction. We just know that there has to be SOMETHING wrong. Through all of the tests they have done, they have all come back normal. But we wouldn’t be losing our babies all at the exact same time frame down to the day (8 weeks 4-5 days) if there wasn’t something. The timing of it all is way too close to not be being cause by SOMETHING being wrong..in my opinion anyways. So I’m praying that there are some answers soon.

We both just want to thank you all for the well wishes and prayers that y’all have prayed over us and all of our angel babies in the past year. We appreciate it more than we can express and I’m grateful for everyone that has reached out at any point during this journey. The messages I’ve received from people have made me feel like it’s been worth talking openly about although it’s been hard to put it all out there at times. So thank you for being blessings to us during this really hard time in our lives.

Journey to Parenthood · Our Pack · These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Our Little Blessing

Sorry it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but we’ve been a little busy growing a human!!! πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸ˜πŸŽ‰

Once we got the go ahead from the Repro Specialist, we began trying again. We were blessed to conceive again right away! 
Here’s our announcement we shared on my personal accounts….:

“God is so good y’all! We are so excited to finally announce that Baby Longmire is on the way ❀❀❀ We’re by no means ‘out of the woods’ yet…but we’ve been open about things thus far and want to continue to be. We feel really good about this baby and have a feeling this is the one! We’ve seen baby twice now and so far, everything is perfect!

We have appreciated everyone’s prayers over us up to this point & would love continued prayers for our sweet double rainbow baby πŸŒˆπŸ‘ΆπŸ»πŸŒˆ #doublerainbow #expecting #October2017 #Octoberbaby #babyLongmire”

We didn’t want to wait any longer to announce because why keep this precious little life a secret any longer than we had to?? We’re so exteremely excited and couldn’t wait to share the news, though it was a very scary leap to make.

We’ve been very lucky in the sense that our specialist doctor has kept a super close eye on us thus far. We found out at 4 weeks along. They then had us do blood work twice a week to check my levels and make sure everything was rising as it was supposed to. Then once we hit the 6 week mark we were able to have our first, early ultrasound.

Up until this point we had never had a successful ultrasound so we were both a bit terrified. Each of the other times the ultrasounds had confirmed that we had lost our babies. But we had a different feeling this time and while still scared to death, we tried to remain positive and hopeful.

We went in at 6 weeks and 3 days and immediately when the ultrasound began, we could see the little flicker of a heartbeat pounding away ❀❀❀ That was the most reliving thing that could have happened. Our doctor said usually you have to look a second to find the heartbeat that early but there it was right away, showing us that things were okay. We stared on in awe as we watched the little heart pound and we were even able to listen to it, though it was hard to hear that early on. The heartrate was at 107 which is good for that early. So far, everything was looking perfect! (Below you can see the little heart looking like a bright, shining light!)


(Might be able to hear if you listen closely!)

​​
Though we were thrilled by most of the news during our appointment, we also got a little not so good news. There had originally been twins. You can see the “collapsing” (as the Dr. called it) sac above the one holding baby. It appears lighter gray and more fuzzy. He said this one didn’t have a viable baby as there was no heartbeat and that it was in the process of collapsing and re-absorbing.

While we were saddened by this news, we knew that we were still tremendously blessed to have one healthy baby on our hands and that we needed to keep our focus on that. Maybe had there been two, there would have been more complications. Maybe my body wouldn’t be able to handle carrying two. Whatever the reason, we believe God knows what he’s doing and that for whatever reason, this pregnancy needed to be one with our single baby. So we are trusting in that.

We went ahead and took our announcement pictures with a friend of mind and decided to share our news after our 8 week ultrasound if all went well. Below are our pictures with our 6 week ultrasound

As we finished up pictures and were leaving, I was talking about the pretty sunset that had happened to come up in the middle of our little shoot and went on to say, “THANK YOU GOD!!” (Referring obviously to the beautiful sunset he gave us for the pictures) But looking back now I realize subconsciously I was thanking God for MUCH MORE in that moment πŸ™ŒπŸ»πŸ™ŒπŸ»

Not long after I started to get the dreaded morning sickness (which is false, it’s all day for me). Luckily I haven’t actually gotten sick, it’s just been pretty regular nausea. My doctor even offered to give me medicine to relieve me of this symptom but, strange as it is, after going through loss you begin to crave these symptoms! Symptoms like these reassure you that things are progressing and happening like they should. So I continued on without medicine, enjoying (???) the nauseous feeling of my baby growing on! Never thought I’d be grateful for feeling so sickly πŸ€’πŸ€’πŸ€”

We then waited a longgggg 2 weeks until our 8 week ultrasound. We were dreading this one a bit as the 8th week is the week where things had gone wrong in the past.. We hoped and prayed for a still strong heartbeat and a growing baby.

God put our minds to rest once more as we heard a stronger, louder, much more clear heartbeat than the previous one just 2 weeks before! (It really is insane how much a little babe can grow in such a short period of time!) Our baby that was about the size of a pea was now the size of a strawberry! This time we had a heartbeat of 157 which is perfect for that far along! You can already see the little head, body, and arms ❀❀❀

We left feeling relieved but also still cautious. After all, we were just at 8 weeks and 3 days. That still left several days in the dreaded 8 week zone. To say getting through that week was easy would be a complete lie. But I found comfort in sharing our news with the world. Though it felt very risky to do this early on and not even out of the week we feared most, I knew now was when we needed the extra prayers the most.

As I sit here typing this now, I’m glad to say that I’m now 9 weeks and 1 day along. I feel good and think that everything I well at this point (though we won’t know for sure until our 10 week appointment). I’m still feeling nauseous and exhausted so I like to think that that’s a good sign! πŸ™πŸ»

A friend of mine that I’ve met through this process (makingamomma) recently wrote on her blog being “frustrated that the innocence of pregnancy has been ripped away by the loss of a pregnancy” and that hit home for me. I don’t know that I’ll ever get to a point in this pregnancy where there isn’t fear in the back of my mind or where I don’t worry about every pain or symptom or lack there of. But I do know that going through the losses that we have will make us a thousand times more greateful for these future little blessings we get to carry and raise β€πŸŒˆπŸ‘ΆπŸ» 

Please pray for us in our continued journey and for this little miracle (cause all babies truly are) growing in my belly to continue to thrive! πŸ™πŸ»πŸ™πŸ»

Journey to Parenthood · Loss

Angel Baby Number 2Β 

We waited the 3 months we needed to after the MMR vaccine. I prayed pretty constantly for those 3 months. To get pregnant again, for it to happen quickly, for this to be a prefect and healthy rainbow baby for us. I knew I needed to lean on God to give me strength through this whole process. Once we were in the clear, we were anxious to try again. We didn’t know how long it’d take this time around to conceive or how we would even feel once we did.

We were, once again, very lucky. We got pregnant on our first shot trying again. I took the test one day when Clayton was off work. I then saw a faint line appear. I feel bad saying it, but I felt fear right away. Fear that the same thing would happen with this baby that did with the last one. But I was also very excited as well. I thought we just lucked out of getting pregnant so quick the first time and thought surely it wouldn’t happen so soon this time, even though I really wanted it to. So I was glad that it had.

I called Clayton into the bathroom and showed him the test. He said he couldn’t see anything and that we should maybe wait a few days and test again. But I KNEW I saw a very faint line. I think he didn’t want to get my hopes up if it wasn’t really positive, and he truly says he didn’t see anything. But I knew that I was pregnant. (First test below with the teeniest line)

I waited a few days and, while he was at work one morning, took another test. This one was positive for sure and much more clear than the last. Clayton was getting off work that afternoon so I came up with a way to tell him. 

Being the smart ass that I am…I decided to write in large letters across the bathroom mirror with a dry erase marker, “DO YOU SEE ME NOW?!?!! We’re pregnant!!” since he couldn’t seem to see the line that I could a few days before! With the 3 pregnancy tests I took (couldn’t believe it, yet again, so I took a total of 3! πŸ˜†) below it on the bathroom counter. Then I waited for him to come home. What I DIDN’T remember was that, unlike any other day, he wouldn’t be home that day at 5ish like normal. I forgot that he was going out with his work crew afterwards to a Tech football game! (They work right down the street from Tech so after their shift they all just walked over to the stadium.) That particular game was a night game and was being televised so he said he probably wouldn’t be home while I was still awake since they tend to take a long time. Well…THERE WENT MY SURPRISE PLAN! Haha. I wanted to be there when he at some point walked into bathroom but since that wouldn’t be happening, I decided he could just find it late that night when he got home and could tell me his reaction to it the next morning!

From here it gets a little funny as he tells his side of the story on how he found out… He says he got home around midnight (I tried my best to stay awake..but I exhaustedly gave in at about 11 o’clock). He walked into the bathroom and at first was startled/freaked out to see red on the mirror. (I didn’t think this part through…because originally he was just going to walk in on it during the day…πŸ˜‚ I didn’t think about how red on the mirror in the middle of the night would be a little scary and concerning. OOPS!) So after the initial being freaked out part..he saw that it was my writing. When he read, “DO YOU SEE ME NOW?!?!!?!” he thought that it was some form of me being annoyed with him for going out to the game with his buddies and not home with me, like I felt unseen πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Or something deep and dramatic like that. (Which I thought was hilarious because that’s sooo not something I would do and I could care less about him having some guy time! Haha talk about dramatic!!) So he was getting all deep with it and feeling bad about not coming home to me and going out with friends and getting really down on himself (πŸ˜‚) and then he looked closer and saw the, “We’re pregnant!!!!” part underneath it along with the positive tests. He said he then got nervous and excited as I had as well.

So that was a funny story to hear when I woke up because none of the first parts of it were how I had intended it to go. It was funny though none the less! πŸ˜†

Then here we were. On the road to being parents…again. We were far more nervous and anxious this time around because we knew of the risks firsthand. We wanted more than anything for that to never happen again, but a dark cloud hung over us it seemed. We were so in fear of it happening again that we almost couldn’t get fully excited about this pregnancy. I think we were both waiting for our first ultrasound to be the confirmation we needed. 

We told our parents after our first round of blood work confirmed that we were on the right track to a healthy pregnancy. We just face timed them since everyone lives out of town and we had already recently done a larger reveal, we just kept it simple this time. They were excited for us again, but I think everyone was more cautious this go round.

This time, Clayton had the feeling it was a girl. He had several dreams about her and so, in our minds, girl it was! I didn’t have a super strong feeling about what I felt it was like I did with our boy last time, but I thought it might be a girl as well. We didn’t intend to find the gender of this one out until birth either.

We were told by our doctor that while miscarriages are super common, two miscarriages back to back were not. That we probably were just unlucky with our first but that we would most likely go on to have a perfect pregnancy the second time around because the odds were in our favor, we were young, and we were healthy. There was no reason why it should happen to us again. 

That gave us a little piece of mind as well as them closely watching us this time around. I went in for blood work very regularly from the moment we knew I was pregnant again. They wanted to watch my progesterone levels closely as well as my HCG levels. The progesterone levels are pretty much what keep your baby rooted in your uterus and growing. You want those levels to be good to show that your pregnancy is secure and progressing. Mine was at a constant number of 22, which my doctor said was very good. That high number meant that the baby was burrowed in and that things were going well. My HCG levels were watched to make sure they were at least doubling every 24-48 hours. Those levels were doing mostly good, though a little on the low end. But my doctor wasn’t concerned so I tried not to be either. We had an early ultrasound set for 8 weeks (not 12 since we were considered high risk). We were glad everything was being monitored so well and glad that we would be able to see our baby so soon. 

We told just a few of our closest friends this time. We wanted all the prayers and good thoughts we could get from them as we faced this tough journey again. We also let our moms take this round of announcement pictures.

It was fall time so I wanted to have a little fun in a pumpkin patch to announce our baby pumpkin that we had on the way. We planned to reveal it after our first ultrasound, even though it would early.



We kept going in for my blood work and everything continued to be good as we neared our ultrasound date. By the time of our actual scheduled date we would have actually been 9 weeks instead of 8 because that’s just when it was able to be scheduled.

The day after Halloween I didn’t feel right. I had a little bit of spotting later than night and, while that can be completely normal during pregnancy, I just didn’t feel good about it…especially after our history. So we called our nurse and she said it could be normal but it was our call on if we wanted to go into the ER or not. I decided I wanted to. So that night at around 10:30 pm we went to the ER to get checked out. I tried to remain calm for baby’s sake, but it was hard. After being there for several hours I was wheeled back to have an ultrasound done to check on baby. We were just 3 days out from when our first ultrasound should have been. This wasn’t how I pictured it would happen. The nurse doing it wasn’t allowed to say anything to me while she was doing the ultrasound and I wasn’t even allowed to see the screen. Clayton wasn’t even allowed to go into the room with me either. I don’t know the reasoning for any of this but it made my anxiety go through the roof. It took me back in time to the ultrasound we had with the last baby where no one was telling us anything as they were doing it. The screen was tilted away from me so I couldn’t see and we just sat in silence as she looked on the screen, telling me nothing about the status of my baby. They wheeled me back in to Clayton and we had to wait for what felt like forever for the doctor to come in and tell us what was going on.

He came back in with a grim expression. He told us it basically didn’t look good and to prepare ourselves for the worst. He said there was some bleeding around the sack (which can sometimes work itself out to go on and be fine about 50 percent of the time) and that the baby’s heart rate was also very low (75ish)… Our hearts sank. One of these on its own was bad enough. Both were definitely not good.

At 6 weeks along when the heart first starts the baby’s heartbeat shouldn’t even be that low, much less at 8 weeks. This was the main concern. The ER doctor put me on bed rest for the next few days. We went home thinking the worst and were feeling very defeated. The next morning I called my doctor to tell them what we found out at the ER. They then sent me in for more blood work (apparently the several tubes the ER took weren’t enough and they hadn’t looked at all the right numbers). They rushed the orders on that blood and looked again at my progesterone and HCG. They were both dropping. The progesterone had gone down to 14, which wasn’t ideal. We didn’t know, though, if the heart rate was dropping because the progesterone was or if I was miscarrying and that’s why everything was dropping. They said that we might have caught it in time and put me on progesterone pills to try and hold on to the baby and save it. They said we would have to be on it for a week and wait to see if it had worked. I asked if there had been instances that it had turned around for any of their other patients in the same situation and they said they had definitely seen it happen and to hold out hope, but that was easier said than done. So we scheduled an ultrasound for a week later and could do nothing but limit my activity and wait. That was an agonizing week long wait. We felt hopeless and expected the worst while praying for the best. I kept trying to not give up on our baby, but I knew in my heart that this wouldn’t turn out well.

As many apparently do not know, a β€œrainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. A rainbow is known as beautiful and bright, follows a storm, and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The afternoon before our ultrasound, I came out of work and saw a beautiful rainbow stretching across the entire sky in front of me. I didn’t know if I should take this as a sign that this baby, our rainbow baby, was going to be okay when we went in the next day or not. It stopped me in my tracks and gave me a slight glimmer of hope. But then, right above the bright rainbow, I noticed a dimmer, second rainbow. This then lead me to believe that it was actually God telling me that, indeed, I had lost this baby as well and that our fate was to have a double rainbow baby (baby born after two losses).. I don’t know for sure that that’s what this sign was, but I do know that this is what happened. 

We went on the next day to have our ultrasound where we saw our second baby for the first and last time. There was no heartbeat. We almost had known and expected this for the past week, but it didn’t help lessen the blow much. In a way, it was always in our minds from the get go what could happen and not being as blindsided as the previous pregnancy. We were highly aware that it could happen again and the fear was constantly present. My body also gave us a sign that things were going wrong this time whereas it hadn’t with the last, which lead us to the ER and gave us the heads up. So things were quite a bit different this time. But a loss is still a loss and it wasn’t by any means easier, just different.

We got sent home and were told we could quit taking the progesterone whenever we were ready to. I think that was the only thing holding my body back from miscarrying naturally at that point. We had processed and grieved this loss for the past week so we went ahead and let my body do what it needed to. I was glad to be able to forgo the horrible medicine from last time.

This second time around I felt even more defeated. Both pregnancies I had stopped drinking completely months in advance to trying, ate healthy, worked out moderately, and did everything humanly possible by the books to conceive and carry out a healthy pregnancy, yet here we were again. I couldn’t have done anything any better but I still couldn’t make it work for some reason. I was at a loss. I know none of it was my fault, but it was still just hard to accept. So many losses had happened in our short 2 and a half years of marriage. First my dad, then our two babies…I didn’t know how much more two people could take.

My doctor was at a loss as well. We went in and she told us she just didn’t know what the problems was. This shouldn’t have happened again. Our numbers were perfect throughout both pregnancies until all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they just weren’t. She said normally people have to go though 3 consecutive miscarriages before actions are taken, but that she had been in our shoes as well and that two was far too many losses as it was. She wasn’t going to let us go through it again. She was going to send us to an Reproductive Endocrinology & Infertility Center to figure this problem out. The good news is that we clearly aren’t infertile, we’re actually extremely fertile to have conceived so quickly both times right after trying. The bad news is, we didn’t have a clue what our issue was or how long it’d take to figure it out.

We scheduled our appointment and couldn’t get in to the woman our doctor preferred we see until April (it was currently November). We couldn’t wait that long. Luckily, they also recommended a man at the same office if the woman was hard to get into and he could see us at the end of the month so we jumped on that appointment. 

I’ll get more into our current situation and the appointments we’ve recently been to as well as some soon approaching ones in my next post (as I’ve already written a whole novel here). Thank you for whoever has read this far on our long journey. It’s not a fun one to write about, but it’s something I feel the need to share. Prayers for our continued journey to parenthood would be greatly appreciated β€πŸ‘ΌπŸ»

Journey to Parenthood · Loss

Our First Angel Baby

When I found out, I was shocked and thrilled that we had conceived so quickly. The average time is usually between 6 months to a year and this had just been our first month trying. I speculated that I MIGHT be pregnant when I was back in my hometown at my moms house. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high (or take a preg test there…because that’s kind of awkward). In addition to that, Clayton was back home in Lubbock so I didn’t want to do it without being able to tell him ASAP. So I impatiently waited until I went back home to Lubbock at the end of the weekend.
When I returned, it was April 24th. I took a test that I had stored away. POSITIVE!! I then rushed out and bought 2 more. All were POSITIVE!!! I was ecstatic! I cried happy tears, had uncontrollable shaking that wouldn’t stop, and tried to quickly brainstorm what cute way I was going to tell Clayton the news. We were just a few days past his 24th birthday in which we had taken a birthday trip to Austin with our friends. He thought that was his only present, and it was supposed to have been!, but now I had another HUGE present to give so I took advantage of the timing!

I tried my best to act normal as I came into the living room and told him I had to run a quick errand and would be right back. (Of course this is the one day he wasn’t gone at the station when I needed him to be so I wouldn’t seem so sketchy πŸ™„ haha.) I then ran quickly to Walmart and bought a ‘Happy Birthday Daddy’ card, a baby onsie, an ‘I love my Daddy’ bib, and one more pregnancy test because I was honestly still a little in denial and wanted to be superrrrr positive! I had–luckily–already ordered a t-shirt I planned to give him when the time came as well. I wrapped all of the announcement goodies in a sack and headed home feeling super lightheaded and giddy. After the final test being very positive, I presented Clayton with his presents and watched anxiously while he unwrapped them.

He was surprised (as was I with how quickly it happened for us!!!), excited, and in shock! He kept repeating, “Really?! Seriously??” over and over again until it (somewhat) sunk in. We were thrilled to be beginning our next stage in life together as parents! 

We called our doctor the next day to see if we needed to come in to have it confirmed. They said that, without a doubt, we were pregnant if that many tests said so! Things were starting to feel more real!! We were just 4 weeks along at the time we found out. We then scheduled an initial appointment at about 8 weeks.

We decided to wait 2 weeks past finding out to tell our parents. Our moms were coming into town then for Mother’s Day and we wanted to tell them in person! We had onsies made for our moms and Clayton’s dad. Then, we waited impatiently and tried our best to keep our exciting secret between the two of us! 

When the time came, we handed them their little boxes and watched as they were unwrapped. Their reactions were priceless and we all wrapped each other up in hugs of celebration. We then wanted to be sure we hurried and told Clayton’s dad soon after so his mom wouldn’t have to hold on to that secret! So the four of us made the 2 and a half hour drive to Abilene to do so in person! He was confused as ever when we came strolling in and handed him a little present, but happy and excited when he realized what was inside! This was going to be all of our parents first grand-baby!! 

We told a few other family members after that point and just a couple of our closest friends. We brainstormed with our parents about what they would be called by their grand-baby. We made plans for the nursery, plans for our future, and thought of baby names for our little one. I even switched jobs partially for the pregnancy (I was working with horses at the time in a job that had me on my feet and walking all day every day and it was getting harder on me physically). Everything in our lives was changing and being rearranged for this amazing little bundle of joy that we were so thrilled to be planning for. 

Everything pregnancy-wise went pretty smoothly. I had just one week of nausea where I never even got sick, I just constantly felt like I was going to be. But as far as I’ve heard, I was lucky by just having that little bit. The first appointment went fine, though we were disappointed to learn that we wouldn’t see or hear anything from our baby at the time. The 8 week appointment was more so just where we went in for info, to ask any questions we had, and to be given a ton of paperwork and pamphlets and hospital options.

From then on we just went on impatiently waiting for our 12 week appointment where we could see that sweet baby! We excitedly couldn’t hold our tongues very well and let it slip more and more every day to people that we were expecting. Honestly, the closer we got to our 12 week date where you’re supposedly ‘in the clear’, the safer we felt and the more people we told! One of my best friends got married not long before our 12 week mark and I was a bridesmaid. She suggested another one of her bridesmaids, that was also a photographer, take a few announcement pictures for us on her big day since the backdrop was gorgeous and because I would already have my hair and makeup professionally done as well as Clayton and I being all dressed up for the occasion. So I took her up on that great idea!

Everything was approaching so soon and I couldn’t wait to share our news with the world! We had our announcement picture all ready and were ready to tell people the day of our ultrasound when everything came back perfect and normal.

We knew from very early on that we didn’t want to know the gender. I wanted this to be the biggest, most amazing surprise of our lives. After all, what’s more exciting than that?! I also knew, though, from very early on that I was having a baby boy. A lot of moms say that they ‘just knew’ when it came to what gender they were having, and that’s exactly how I felt. I had a deep, deep down gut instinct that was telling me this baby was 100% a boy and so from that moment on, that’s what Baby Longmire was to me in my head whenever I daydreamed of him and our future.

We had just recently passed the one year mark of my dad passing away unexpectedly. It was the hardest thing I had ever been through but I was able to get through it a little easier knowing how excited he must have been looking down on us at this time in our lives. It was bitter sweet because I know how amazing he was with kids and how happy he would have been to be becoming a PawPaw and it broke my heart approaching this chapter in my life without him being there for it, but I knew still how excited he was for us looking down and seeing it all play out. We knew even before I was pregnant that our baby would have my dads name as a middle name, regardless of the gender. The day after Father’s Day was our ultrasound appointment. I felt like the timing was my dad saying he was there with us for it all.

We went in on the 20th of June. Anxious and nervous and giddy, we waited for the technician to speak as we looked on the screen at our baby. She wasn’t saying anything though. She said she would be right back and left the room. Clayton and I later discussed how we knew then that something wasn’t right. When she came back she had a doctor with her. He then continued the ultrasound and continued to take measurements. We saw our baby. We saw his body, head, arms, legs, fingers, and toes. But we also saw the look on the doctors face. It wasn’t good.

He told us that there was no heartbeat. Our baby had stopped growing and developing at 8 weeks 5 days. We should have at this point been at 12 weeks 5 days. We were in shock and completely devastated. Yes, we knew that there was always a risk of miscarriage. You hear occasional stories about them. But you never think that it will ever happen to you until, all of a sudden, it does.

We had what is referred to as a missed miscarriage. That is what happens when your body doesn’t realize that the baby it’s growing is no longer viable. My body just kept continuing on as if it was still pregnant. That’s why I never had any signs that things had gone wrong and no reason to assume anything was less than perfect. I was mad at my own body for betraying me and letting me go on thinking things were okay with our baby for a whole extra month when they indeed were not okay.

I had to take this horrid medication that caused my body to go into an unnatural type of labor. I don’t think that day could have been any more awful than it was. From then on I was a grieving mother. I became depressed and withdrawn for a piece of time. All I could do from that point on was just try to keep living. That’s all I was doing really was just surviving. 

I eventually somewhat came out of my funk (though I don’t think it is something I will ever really fully get over). I still had the urge though. The strong, strong urge to be a mother. That hadn’t gone away. If anything, I think the urge and want and need to be a mother became even stronger because I had a small glimpse of it. I wanted to try again.

Apparently, when some women get pregnant they lose their immunity to mumps, measles, and rubella. That’s not something you want to go without having. So I got that vaccine again. The catch here was that you have to wait to even think of getting pregnant for 3 months after getting this vaccine or it can lead to problems for baby. Now, 3 months doesn’t seem like such a long time. But to me, it was devastating and just another huge set back in becoming pregnant again. I’m an impatient person in most things in life and this was no exception at all. I wanted our family. The one we had hoped for, prayed for, and planned for. I knew it wouldn’t be the same because of our loss and that it would in no way replace what we had lost in our first sweet baby, but I also knew that I was ready to try again and when we couldn’t it was hard.

So we waited those three months and continued to learn how to live after this awful loss. I never got mad at Clayton or at God, like I’ve heard are both sometimes common in this case. I kept praying and kept looking forward to our next shot at starting our family.

Our baby’s due date is now rapidly approaching. He was due this coming December 30th. This is a hard, unexplainable season in life and I can’t even begin to verbalize all the emotions that we’ve been going through and will be going through on that actual day. I don’t know if the hole in my heart will ever go away or if, like it did when I lost my dad, it’ll just become a more manageable pain that I carry with me forever. But I do know that when our baby boy opened his eyes, he was greeted by The Lord and by my daddy up in heaven. And I know that I’ll meet that sweet little boy someday and that, until then, my dad will be raising his grandson just like I’d always pictured he would be. πŸ‘ΌπŸ»

Journey to Parenthood · Loss · Our Pack

Our AnnouncementΒ 

Several months ago, we hit huge bump in the road. Not once, but twice. We lost something we had longed and prayed constantly for. We lost our two first babies.

Once we got married, we wanted to wait a little while before expanding our little pack of a family. What I didn’t know was that I would become ready not too long after that decision. All of a sudden I had a strong urge to be a mother. This was probably half a year to a year into our marriage. I had agreed we should be married a little while first and adjust to that and enjoy that phase a little first. But then..out of nowhere..it hit! This urge and want and need and longing to be a Mama, and it didn’t lessen from that point on. It just grew!!

I told Clayton of my feelings but knew that we would probably still wait a little. He wasn’t quite ready and it was a huge decision to make and I wanted us to both be fully ready (or as ready as you can be). So we continued to wait and pray about it and had occasional coversations about it to check in and make sure we were both still somewhat on the same page. I was impatient, but I knew that this couldn’t happen before he was ready as well and that it for sure wasn’t something I wanted to rush or pressure him into. So I tried my best to be understanding while my urges grew stronger and stronger with the time that passed.

Finally, one day we talked and he said that he was ready!! I didn’t think he would be saying that as soon as he did, so I was shocked and thrilled!! We didn’t waste any time. We started trying.

Things took a turn from that point on.. If you follow me on my personal social media accounts, then you know the gist of what happened. Below I’ll share our announcement that was made on social media. It wasn’t the announcement we hoped and planned for, but it was one that after everything I felt needed to happen. I will go into more detail of each pregnancy and where we are now in my next several posts. So for now, here’s our announcement…:

“It’s with a sad and heavy heart that we’re about to share what has been going on in our lives the past several months. Social media has become a place of perfection where everyone posts the happy and the best parts of their lives, but I believe that we should also share our struggles and be real and vulnerable from time to time to truly be able to share in the happy and the joyous moments when they do come.
8 months ago we decided to expand our family, and we were quickly blessed to find out shortly after that we were expecting. We then, unfortunately, went on to lose that sweet baby due to miscarriage. We tried again and shortly after were blessed by another baby. And this week we have just lost our second angel baby to miscarriage. Along with the loss of my dad, this is the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. And all 3 losses in our first 2 years of marriage.

We never thought miscarriage was in our future. Why would it be? We’re both very young and healthy. We thought we were lucky, we conceived the first month we began trying. And then even after our first loss we thought surely our pain and suffering was over. We again counted ourselves lucky when we conceived on the first month back trying again, but the fear of miscarriage loomed in the back of our minds throughout the second pregnancy, only to have it happen again.

It wasn’t until our first loss that we learned how common miscarriages actually are, and that’s because they are never talked about. Whether it be because it makes people uncomfortable or because it’s hard and painful to discuss. It being so seldom talked about also makes going through one very lonely. You feel as if you shouldn’t talk about it for other people’s sake, when in reality it should be a time to talk about it for comfort and sake of healing.

I learned only after telling people of our loss that many, many women I knew had experienced this loss as well. And otherwise I would have never known it. Even men I knew had experienced it with their own wives. That is where I found some support and comfort. In the people that had been through it and experienced what I was now experiencing. I then learned just how common it was and then wondered even more why it was something that wasn’t talked about when it could truly be so healing to put your thoughts and feelings out there and to just have them be validated and understood. I realize that talking about this loss might not be what feels right to everyone and that if not comfortable with doing so, then that’s definitely their choice to make, but to me it feels right.

The first pregnancy, only the people whom we had let it slip to when we were excited later came to know of our loss. And I regret hiding that part of my life from everyone else now and didn’t want to do that again this time around. Going through such joy and then through such loss and grief truly changes you and who you are. It isn’t a bad thing for people to know why and to share in your journey. I want to be able to help those that go through this in the future and I can’t do that if no one ever knows of my own struggles. I don’t want going through losing a child to feel lonely and like you should feel guilty to open up about what’s happening in life for fear of making others uncomfortable. 

Any life, no matter how short, should be able to be acknowledged and celebrated. I have two angels in heaven that otherwise wouldn’t be known about because I was doing what is more comfortable socially. But now, I’m celebrating my babies and everyone else’s angel babies that are looking down on them. We’ve prayed throughout this whole process and talked to God the entire time. We know that He has a huge plan for us, the hardest part now is just patients. I also want to ask for prayer from whoever chooses to read this. Prayers for Clayton and I and our journey to parenthood, prayers for successful future pregnancies, and prayers for all who have to go through the same thing. 

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.” πŸ™πŸ»β€οΈπŸŒˆπŸ‘ΌπŸ»πŸ‘ΌπŸ»”